The Wiggling Eye Ball of Judgement
So officially I have been “working for myself” for an entire month. So far everything has been pretty good. I haven’t starved to death, I’m not miserable with my decision, and I haven’t once missed my old job at all.
I will say that when you’re working for yourself you’re not really doing anything special. I know that sounds negative but its true. First, everybody wants to work for themselves. I see countless quotes and memes that try to give people encouragement to “do what you love and never look back.” Which if were being honest is irresponsible and stupid. Yes, people can work for themselves and be successful, but they didn’t just decide to do it in a split second and made a fortune the first day. It takes a lot of time and effort.
Every time I run into a familiar face they ask me the same questions. “How’s living the dream, being your own boss?” From what I’ve seen so far, I am not my own boss. I would say I have more bosses now than I ever had working any retail or office job. My boss is the public and they are never satisfied. You know when you’re at work, and you fuck something up and your boss gives you that eye from across the room like “you just fucked up and I know what you did wrong”. Well that’s literally every moment and everything you do when your posting your work in the public and asking them to be interested. The most ruthless of bosses is the faceless crowd of the internet. They can say anything they want without any repercussion and it can be worse than any write up or reprimand you’ve ever gotten at any job before. Or there is the eye of the person passing by your booth at an event judging you without saying anything. A part of me hates it but another bigger part of me loves that wiggling eye ball of judgment. I always try to guess what they are saying to themselves in their head. “He’s bald and selling art at an event, must be a scam.” “He probably lives with his mom and smells his own farts all day.” (not totally false)
“You can do whatever you want right?” Fuck no you can’t. If I just sat around and did whatever I wanted all day every day I wouldn’t be doing the job I set out to do. I’m here to try to make a living by doing what I like the most. Illustration. So that’s what I do all day. No there isn’t really anyone here at home bossing me around or telling me to get to work, but when bill time runs around, and your bank roll is short – that’s when you know the answer. No, you can’t just sit around eating pop tarts and watching tv all day.
“So, you just draw all day long?” No. Fuck no. I do a million things all week and I draw when I can. I make lists upon lists of things I should do and spend the late nights and early mornings drawing. I’ll put it this way, when a big commercial business was successful at something they set out to do it wasn’t because they sat around making products and people just decided to be interested and buy it. Its because several things were put into play to make that one thing or several things important enough for a person of society to hand over some of what they worked to earn. Cash.
Now don’t get me wrong. Working for yourself isn’t some terrible thing, its awesome. I like what I’m doing. I have absolutely surrounded myself with everything I love. I work my butt off and, truthfully, I have no idea where its going but hopefully I’ll get an answer to that one day. Until then I will continue to do everything I’m currently doing and tweaking, changing, evolving the process. Thanks to those who have supported me so far!